"Her and Her Episodes" Acrylic on paper... All content copyright! 2005 - 2017 and so on, and on, and on....

Monday, July 10, 2006

That has been my question for these past couple of weeks.
Day in and day out. Hourly….
Why to blog at all?
To be seen? Heard?
Socialize? Engage with like-minded people? Perhaps learn something new?
Just because I can? An entertaining hobby? To promote my wares?

As I was lining up to pay for veggies early this AM - at one of our three small local independent green grocers – I noticed that they now have a TV and a music video is playing. That’s how two of them get me, they play really good music.
I ask who is on ... “The Scorpions" - an English group, he answers – with the Berlin Philharmonic - a Children’s benefit - he kept on adding as he read my face… These storekeepers are the more colorful, of the equally well represented other two ethnic groups. Always providing maximun energy, great service, prices and, the unmistakable sound of foreign music!
And I as turned to cue, I realized that the bar has been raised in “the hood” - as the bar is being raised in the blogging world. As the bar is being raised everywhere.

- The high price of competition or just fun? -
My question is – who is raising the bar? Or, the bar according to whom? And, most importantly, why? Has everything become an insatiable black hole from where little comes and a lot is given in the hopes of some fair trade?

Then, I just come back to me again. What do I want, expect, give, need, receive – all honest questions, that require very serious, honest answers – unless it is all a game, and all I want is some amusement.

I started blogging a year ago last month – by accident, curiosity or as have decided, due to “mischief angels”… Since then “my career” has tuned into my hobby, and “my hobby” into my “current occupation”?
My life? Desperately seeking a direction to hone in.
No, it's not a matter of focus, deternmination or discipline - done that!
My “professional needs” have obviously changed as did my personal ones…, as the grocers unknowingly “pointed out” this AM, we are all jockeying for position. Jockeying to be seen, heard, appreciated… that is the conclusion I came to.

I also arrived at the understanding that after the focus of my blogging changed, I have become “a regular blogger” and as such, the need to blog was not clear at all, if there was any – but most likely an experimental phase I fell into. (The door opened, therefore I entered…)
Well, I seem to outgrow some things too soon and this shoe has become somewhat uncomfortable lately and I have become restless, as I have abandoned a lot of my projects leaving them for late at night, thus burning the candle at both ends.

What is that I want? I shared/expressed it in my profile. Clearly, I thought. Yet, once again I went in another direction – being “was swept up by the crowd” as it may. I wonder where I’ll be at times if not were for mostly following “own mind”.
I remember when I really enjoyed coming to this little blog of mine, I didn’t have any expectations, and one lone blogger – that I know of – would read and leave me a brief comment once in a while…

I was struggling with the same issues at the time, but not "entirely" in cyber space. I was searching to embrace my true identity, my voice, my space in this world. I was never one for competing for anything – that’s why both my sister-in-laws (as well as others) eat me alive.

- What happened to our enlightened "just being" mantra? -
We are all pushed to competing at all times. We are often battling to outdo each other, whether aware of it or not. Our survival instincts kick in, and there we run off into the crowd - and ahead of it , if at all possible, while forgetting where we were going in the first place.
For what?

Where am I going?
I am going to follow my heart. My heart wants to express creatively. BUT, above all wants caring, compassionate reciprocal relationships. Have met soooo may people in my life and I am very tired of the socializing and interactions that never move past the (very wonderful and warm) accustomed pleasantries.
I want strong friendships. I want love in my life. Unencumbered love. All kinds of love.
I want to give it and receive love.
I guess all this “wanting and needing” has filtered into my blogging expectations and yes, “my own bar” has been raised,
now what?

As I have retreated from almost all of my social and community activities in the past few years due to very much the same sentiments as the above,
I wonder if there is any place, any little nook in the world, where anyone is looking to find the same as me …

Although, a few more hours of "satelite wonder" and I'll never leave... I so much enjoyed our "improptu little gang" adventure. I felt as glad as only a child can!

I spent time with my neighbour A. as he dreamt something up again, while F. was away - I though it may lead to divorce - but all is well!
I was at the hospital by 7:40 AM - the Cat-Scan is the one "solid" thing I feel I have done today.
The rest was pure indulgence as friendly visits with neighours continued intermittently throughout the day...
Renewed library items.
Potted the bamboo we dug up with A. Now all three of us neighbous will have to fight it!
Wrote, emailed...
Defrosted dinner... :) (That I have cooked and frozen for times like this)
Somehow, I want more!


ian gordon said...

Maybe it's more the "msn" "chat" sites that you'd enjoy right now? I've never done them, but thousands do. The communication and feedback are more instant and tangible. And the purpose is clearly more one of personal communication and conversation than "promoting one's wares" or expressing political views, etc, etc.

Maybe try an experiment?? Disable your comments, and don't leave comments. See how that makes you feel. Does it shed a light on what you're truly after?

"Angeldust" said...

Ian g
Please, don't get me wrong - there are some of you I love "visiting and be visited by" and look forward to both. But the numbers indicate a higher traffic than I feel I want to at this time for the reasons I specified.

In 2002 a (Peruvian journalist) neighbour of mine that had married a (Bosnian) Canadian, set me up in the “chat world” as it was how she met her husband… as you heard me say before, “I got a story for everything”.
One day – if ever comes to it – you’ll hear it all, over a bottle of wine..
I don’t think “the scene” or “market” is for me, particularly now that I am “computer and cyber literate/savvy – almost! J The prospect sends shivers down my spine. (as I’ also going on the phone – as I’m done responding - with younger friend that is “experiencing” that same process right now).
Tried e-Harmony, and from over 160 “matches” came “D”, almost from the get-go. It turned out that among many others, a few years back we both lived just blocks from each other ( in Calgary), him driving by my place each time he drove DT, shopped at the same stores and were members of the same cine club…. Spooky, eh?
I have grown tired of the “process” quiet soon, although I diligently applied myself, as I felt that was the whole point. Cannot do it again…
You know Ian, I do put my heart into things – never been able to do things with the “head” alone .
Based on MY experience, I would not recommend either. At this point I also know, that the one or ones am seeking will not be found there any more than down at the bar, at least not our bars! Then again, a large number claim success (?)

It was very sweet of you Ian to suggest those options. Thank you.
Things do have a way to “solve themselves”, if we want them to – and I think I am in the middle of that process now.

PS.: Tangible, yes. Instant? probably not...

ta-ta my friend