I hope I have the energy to actually finish this post... Not much of that these days. As a matter of fact I don't feel much of anything lately; Perhaps, just an urgency for time to pass. Time that seems to have come to a halt, where Jingle Bells is stuck in the album groove. At times I hum along (that's the spirit!) at others,it is white noise (I wish).
As it happens I am "riding out" one hell of a depression spell, can't remember when was the last one like this, although this feels very unique as getting out of bed and do something away from the bedroom is the only accomplishment on the days I leave the house with a definite purpose.
Of course, the grey, rainy-stormy weather does not add to the merriment at all, it contributes to all the gloom! (S.A.D.: great acronym).
Despite being in the thick of it and, not wanting to be there, my mind finds ways to otherwise "stimulate" me. Instead of inspiring me to paint, or to write as I did today, my mind steals the tender dawn "twilight time" to give me supposedly cheering up ideas of what to do with myself to leave this depression behind. No, it is not a Christmas induced one. It has descended on me sometime in early October with a nasty non-descript cold of sorts. I got really accustomed to enjoy being in bed, without any compulsion to exit it as I had for many decades in the past, when I felt I had "enough" and my body ached.
Maybe it is also an age thing (no one tells you these things!) And as my body does not ache, I take it as a sign of quiet acceptance and secret indulgence.
So, as I was telling you, my creative "twilight time" has become a taunting mechanism which provides a number of "cheer-me up" ideas on some given days (mainly sunny ones) to cheer me up and abandon this depression and my cozy bed for the day or, the duration of the cheer-me up project.
The first one, unselfish one, happened to be also a creative one... to find something to hang on the door, photograph it and make a greeting seasonal card with it. Not very cheery, although the project took a few hours, pleasant ones, I like to add.... However the results ended reflecting my mood and not the other way around. No greeting cards!
While it is a perfectly acceptable, pleasant arrangement for the Christmas Observation, it is not even close to being "cheerful" - Failed, back to bed (not so much to read but to watch TV in all its meaningless yet engaging company).
Brilliant get well "twilight project" two: Get my hair coloured.
I wanted it red as It was many, many years ago (and I had more fun as a redhead!). Too chicken to tackle the job myself and also too short of funds for my newly discovered super stylist in town, I opted for one, a third less in price option, at a Vancouver Stylist School-Salon.
What could possibly go wrong? Not much with all the supervision, one would think!
But no. Failed, again; Twice now! Back to bed and not leaving the apartment until further notice or finding a better, less embarrassing colour. I must admit I did manage to get home and leave the house and was not stared at by anyone. People have gotten so used to see bizarre they are not even slightly tickled by it!
Third "twilight assignment": go to large hated chain supermarket and gift myself with a good underwire bra and some eye cream.
I must say, I miraculously found a good and fitting bra for a price I did not need a loan for.... One for me. Back to bed.
The last "twilight outing cheer-me up assignment" was to find a "suitable" hair colour for an artist my age, a red for my age, not the circus - no matter how spectacular the colour and its intensity were... Seriously, it is a wonderful colour but it does not suit me, never mind my present mood. Did not even manage to cheer me up a little. Of course, this is confirmed by the fact that there was a "before" photo but the salon manager did not find it her (either) to take an "after" photo, thus confirming my perception. Which as usual did not stop me from thanking them and even leaving a tip for the student. Because that is what I do when I go to a salon - any salon in my long life for a "cheer-me" and someone royally crews up. I thank and tip with a smile! But there was also the overall condition of the hair colour... it was/is uneven.... I cannot image why as they did not mince with the amount they applied nor the time it was left on. O well. Failed: for a third time!!! YAY
On with last outing before Christmas "twilight cheer-me up and me alone assignment" since my last merry making experience sits heavy in my heart, I do not want to be anyone's pity guest (As that was what it turned out to be, I am embarrassed even now to share what happened on such supposedly lovely occasion and subsequently and how loosely we use the words friends and family - much better alone!)
DO EVERYONE A FAVOUR, DO NOT INVITE SOMEONE THAT IS ALONE, THEY ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOUR PITY - YOU FEELINGS OF "GUILT" OR WHATEVER, ARE YOUR PROBLEMS, DO NOT MAKE THEM SOMEONE'S PAIN)
Alright, I needed to say that. Now to the best yet... OK, I followed the assignment almost to the letter, as I left the book buying out - it became out of my way as I forgot my wallet home and had to walk back. Walking is not as enjoyable as it used to be... Particularly, when one must do grocery shopping around the neighbourhood, but I was determined to "cheer-up". Since the car was damaged while a robbery in progress and I could not replace it to this date... That, is how I went by the butcher and availed myself of some bargains (better than at the supermarket, I might add. Then to the little gift store in the mall for a couple of little gifts in the eventuality someone drops by unexpected (It happened in the past, does not mean at all it is going to happen ever again, still I can put the items to good use. Then, on to get my favourite bread, some chicken wings for dinner too since I am there, walking by them.....
On to the "other" chain store nearby, advertising almost all of the hair colour on sale - must make a mad run for it and give it a try before my birthday on January .... for when I really have some "Twilight Plans" I am looking forward to. OK, yes it is a New Year's resolution I am most certainly looking forward to, one I have been contemplating for several months, one that one comes around once a month... A "can do" one!
The new hair colour dye looks quiet a bit more civilized than the one I am sporting for this short while. Actually, it looks very much like the colour I originally intended. O well.... I did not make any savings whatsoever.... except, I would have done better if I would have done it myself...
OK. form there I went to Liquor store - what a crazy idea/concept we still subscribe to. Going to a Government operated booze store!!!!
I managed to buy some wine, a delicious berry wine (who would have though it!) and I gave myself a bottle of scotch, the brand I like, not some fancy smoked single malt stuff I finally managed to get used to. And smooth too, once one gets over the "added inspiration".
Over all I did well, although I do not feel better at all, I managed to secure myself a new good, pretty bra and my favourite scotch, some meat and bread assure me I can survive the holidays in my cave with no need to leave the bed/house (perhaps to get the studio in order, although that "twilight project" does not appear to come to fruition these days... who knows, maybe a bit of breakfast would give me the push I now need.
SEASON'S GREETINGS - PEACE ON EARTH